Marital Transformations

After learning more about the concept of soul mates, I began to think about just how much effort it takes to create a happy and successful marriage. Bumps in the road will inevitably come and there will be days we feel like giving up. As a stay at home mom to 5 kids, I have had a good deal of these days. I have felt physically, emotionally, and mentally drained by 4:00 pm. The problem is that my husband gets home around 6:00 pm, and I admit to having taken my frustrations out on him. Disagreements are had, tempers lost, money seems always tight, and believe it or not we don’t always have the same goals in mind. Being the work in progress that I am, and fully aware of my needs to change, I feel compelled to apply the principles of John Gottman, one of the world’s leading marriage researchers, therapists and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He has provided a list of genius and quite simple steps for peacefully handling differences and solving problems. Okay, so not all of them are simple, because some might require change, or in a different term I read this week a “transformative process.” Changing and transforming is hard work, just like marriage. Both require humility, commitment, sacrifice and forgiveness.
 

I believe in tackling change one step at a time. Once I become better at one thing, I move on to the next. Gottman suggests that in order to handle differences and problems, we need to apply prevention strategies. I have spent the majority of my 18 ½  yearlong marriage working on the first suggestion which includes letting go of “trivial matters,” like when my husband used to leave open the cupboards. I'm over it now, I promise. Another suggestion we try to follow is having regular couple counsels where we discuss the family, our marriage, or other issues. Whenever I ask people what the number one key to a happy marriage is, I always hear “communication” on the list of must's. This goes to show that experience has proven you can’t grow together or have a very successful marriage without it. The people and the experts have spoken! 

The next suggestion is one I need a little more work on. As I mentioned, sometimes when I get tired, angry or frustrated I take things out on my husband. If I am directly angry or offended at something he said or did, I will most likely try to avoid him or give him the silent treatment. Like I said, I’m far from perfect. Gottman says to eliminate these “destructive interaction patterns.” Get rid of the criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, escalation and invalidation. These are not effective ways to get your point across and will only make things worse. While I work on that transformation, I will put the next suggestions on my to do list. They include things like calming yourself down before and during communication, bringing up concerns in a soft and gentle way (without blame, criticism or negative remarks), learning how to de-escalate, apologize and acknowledge your own faults and your partners strengths and attempts, and discussing solutions that both can agree with. One specific suggestion that Gottman offered was to use "I statements." He says "complaining is okay, but don't blame. Speak for yourself. Use "I" statements to communicate your feelings (I felt hurt when you left me alone at the party), not "you" statements (you are so inconsiderate)."

I look at these suggestions and think 

overall these things require us to 

be humble. A little saying we

hear all the time is “What would Jesus do?” As cliché as this is, it is a good question to ponder. If I am acting in a way that is not in line with the example of the Savior, I need to re-evaluate and transform my actions and thinking. Something I loved this week was a point made by David A. Bednar. He explained that marriage is like a triangle with the Savior at the top and the husband and wife at each lower corner. As the husband and wife each come closer to the Savior, they also grow closer to each other. I’ve learned over time that the triangle is one of the strongest forms in architecture. If one side is broken, the strength is lost. So we too cannot break the connection between any side of our marital triangle, or the marriage will weaken. I have also learned from personal experience that when I am not doing what I should be to draw closer to the Savior, I am more impatient and unloving towards my husband. By following the example and teachings of the Savior, and working on transforming into a better spouse, I know I can become better at peacefully handling differences and creating more love in my relationship.