Family Ties

The is a picture to the left is of my paternal grandparents, who both passed about 25 years ago. Even though it has been such a long time, I still have warm and fond memories of spending time with them. They lived about 6 hours south of us, but we would visit at least monthly. I can still remember the smell of their house and the taste of Grandma's homemade tomato soup.I remember helping Grandpa pick fruit from his garden and tend to his sheep in the field. Almost every time we visited, we would sit around the card table and play their favorite game of "Rook" while eating ice cream. The freezer was always stocked with buckets of ice cream.

 The next pictures are of my maternal step grandparents, who have both been gone for about 8 years. They lived closer, only about 45 minutes north, so I would visit them often and they would visit us. I spent the night at their house several times. They had horses, bunnies and even pigs at any given time. I loved to ride the horses. They also had a motor home which we would take on scenic trips together. Grandpa was a welder and known in town as quite a guy. Grandma was the town Avon lady. She always looked and smelled her best. They both loved John Wayne movies and they would kiss after every prayer. 

I am so grateful for the time I got to spend getting to know my grandparents. They taught me valuable lessons just by their examples. I'm sure I am a better person because of the time I spent with them. Research can back me up by showing that "children's perceptions of emotional closeness to their grandparents is related to reduced acting-out behaviors, such as promiscuity, drug abuse, and delinquency, and fewer symptoms of depression" (Hawkins, 2012). Time spent with grandparents is also linked to an increase in a desire to serve others. Its no wonder that 80% of people in the U.S. report the grandparent's role as extremely important. Many grandparents even adopt the role of primary caregivers, not an easy task. Children in these situations are usually taken from poor circumstances and do far better academically and socially when placed with their grandparents. You might describe these grandparents as heroes. 

A grandparent's role does not just stop at their grandchildren. They also continue to offer support to their adult children. Some have even referred to them as "the family national guard" (Hagestad, 1985), since they step in during times of trial to offer assistance. Neil A. Maxwell explained that their roles change as they "put on their uniforms and actively provide help" in emergencies. When the crisis is over they "change back into their civilian clothes and resume a more typical relationship with their children and grandchildren."

My hope is to pass on the blessings of grandparents to my children, and hopefully they will do the same when its my turn to be a grandparent. My parents live more than just an hour, or six hours away...they live in a different state across the country. Its approximately a 30 hour drive to get to them. While they don't see them very often, we talk about them and to them regularly. Hopefully someday my children will be able to reflect back on the time they spent with them and have fond and happy memories like I do. These family bonds and support systems are so vital, yet often get taken for granted. So go and hug a parent or grandparent. They do more than you realize.

Hope for better

Moment of truth time. When my husband and I got married, we both agreed that we did not want to use spanking as a form of punishment for our future kids. However, while it has not been a regular occurrence, there has been times I have lost my patience and swatted at my children's behinds. No, I have not taken them over my knee or even hit their bottom over and over, but I have spanked. In efforts to not break our deal of spanking any more than I had to, I have also reached points where I have been so angry that I back my kids into a corner and scream at them. I am not proud of these times, and I always feel a strong sense of guilt overcome me right after I have done this. I cant recall a time when my husband has ever spanked, but we have both raised our voice on several occasions. As a stay at home mom, I have spent more time with my kids than my husband has, so naturally I have had more instances of losing my temper. It ends with guilt, tears, and hurt every time and for all involved.

In my studies this week, I came across a quote from Brigham Young, the second president and prophet of the church of Jesus Christ in these latter-days. It said "I have seen more parents who were unable to control themselves than I ever saw who were unable to control their children." This is such a true story. It is easy to lose control of my temper and all rational forms of thinking when my kids push all the wrong buttons like talking back, ignoring my requests, or constantly fighting with one another. As the parent though, I need to stay in control so I can handle the situation appropriately. Acting in anger sends the message that I don't care and creates fear in my kids. I have seen this look of fear a couple of times and it is the worst.

Part of authoritative parenting is providing reasonable expectations for our children while enforcing firm, direct and consistent responses to their behavior. As I learn more and more about parenting through my college studies, I tend to feel inadequate for the task of all it takes to be the "perfect parent." I feel guilty for all the things I have done wrong over the years and fear that my kids will be facing psychological consequences for all my mistakes. But something else I read this week gave me some hope. Developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind, explained that there is such a thing as "good enough" parenting. This applies to parents who apply most of the principles of authoritative parenting. Baumrind states:

 "Good enough, ordinary parents probably have the same effects on their children's development as culturally defined super parents."

While we may not be perfect, as long as most of the elements of good parenting are there, especially warmth and love, our kids will be okay. Something else that always comes to mind when I lose my patience with my kids, is a scripture that says "Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;" (D&C 121:43). My husband is really great at this. He always goes in to talk to my kids after he has lost his temper with them or had to apply strict discipline. He always apologizes to them for losing his temper, and makes sure they know he loves them. I am trying to follow his example in this.

Another parenting strategy that we agreed on before marriage was using time out. We both took a child development class in college right after we got married. We learned early about the principle of putting children in time out for 1 minute per year of age. Over the years I have also learned how to talk to, or not talk to our children while in time out (Watching "Super Nanny" might have helped, not gonna lie). I learned it is best to not talk to them while they are in time out, but to wait until their time is up. Then we go in, get down to their level and explain to them in a calm manner why they needed a time out. This strategy has worked pretty well for me over the years, and definitely better than spanking or yelling. But, I have also learned that sometimes I need a time out as well. If I find myself losing control with anger and frustration, I will send both me and my child to our separate rooms to cool down. Once I have relaxed a bit and given myself time to think it through, I am able to come up with much more appropriate consequences for my kids behavior. I can then go into their room and have a rational and controlled conversation with them that about their behavior and show forth that increase of love at the same time.

I am painfully aware that my kids watch my behavior and adopt my actions. They deal with frustrations in the same way they have seen me deal with them. If they scream at each other, I know they probably picked that up from me. I am not perfect by any means, and I feel that most amazing mothers are hard on themselves when it comes to trying to fit in the perfect mothering mold. We try to do it all and this is partly what creates frustration and a lack of patience with our kids. However, they also notice the good things we do and will hopefully adopt those actions as well and forgive us for our faults. I came across this short video a while ago, and related to it so much. It's about 9 minutes long, but has a powerful message in the the end. We never know how much good we do as parents, especially as we serve and love them. We don't have to be perfect, we just have to try our best and let our kids know we care.

Mothering

The weirdest thing happened to me this morning. I came down the stairs and looked at the mess my kids had left from the night before...books strewn about, toys on the floor, dirty dishes, laundry...and I smiled. No, I have not gone insane...yet. The house was quiet and the kids off to school and I just thought to myself, "someday this will all be gone." And I don't mean the mess being gone, but the presence of the mess because that means that my kids are still here. The toys, the chaos, the mess, it all means that my kids are healthy, active, happy humans and I get to be in the moment of it all. Someday I will miss the toys on the floor and evidence of life in my home. But for today, I am going to cherish it. I love that I have a full nest and that I get to be fully involved in my kids lives as a stay at home mom.

Stay at home moms get a bad rep sometimes. Society does not seem to appreciate or value the work of mothers anymore. I feel that I am looked down on by some as being lazy or not fulfilling my potential as a women who has been given just as many rights as men. It seems I am not alone in this feeling. Surveys showed that less than "half of mothers (48%) felt appreciated most of the time, and almost 20% said they felt less valued by society when they became a mother" (M.F. Erickson & Aird, 2005). Some feel that working in a career is the best way for women to contribute to society and feel equal to the accomplishments of men. But I ask, who do these people think are going to be the future leaders of this world? Its not going to be the working mothers, it will be the children. The children are our future, and they have the best shot at being successful with devoted and loving mothers. I am not a slave to my children, to my husband, or anyone else. I chose this life. I chose to give my all to my family and it has come with many sacrifices and many opportunities. I learn so much from being a mother. Robert D. Hales pointed out just a few of these things:

"In the process of rearing her children, a mother studies such topics as child development; nutrition; health care; physiology; psychology; nursing with medical research and care; and educational tutoring in many diverse fields such as math, science, geography, literature, English, and foreign languages. She develops gifts such as music, athletics, dance, and public speaking. The learning examples could continue endlessly" (2008).

Being a mother has shaped me, given me understanding, empathy, and patience like I could learn no where else. I feel that this is Gods plan for me. It is a calling that I feel a tremendous responsibility for and humbled by the trust I have been given to raise the children that I have been blessed with. I owe it to my children and my Father in heaven to give the best I can to care for these precious gifts. The good news is, I don't have to do it alone. I am a partner with my husband and with God to teach, love, and nurture my children. God has given women unique abilities that make being a successful mother possible. We are naturally in tune and attentive to our children's needs. We have a special gift to nurture and love our children like no one else can. We organize our homes, set routines, practice traditions and facilitate meaningful discussions, which all lead to healthy emotional development. We teach, inspire, listen, heal, and encourage. All of these practices have been associated with better over all adjustment, well-being, greater academic achievement and lower delinquency. Isn't all that making our society better?

Don't get me wrong, bettering the world through my children can be stressful and exhausting at times. While mothers do feel extreme love for their children, we also need time for ourselves to "replenish our well of water." "Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children" (Ballard, 2008). I do need time to pursue my own interests and personal life. I find great support, energy and satisfaction in having some "girl time" with my fellow mothers. It is good to get out, let loose and have fun. Sometimes though, I have found myself becoming overwhelmed by the appearance of successful mothers who seem to have it all together. Women have a tendency to compare themselves to others and to lose track of the good they are doing. What I usually find however, is that things are not always what they seem to be from the outside. Everyone has struggles and insecurities. The important thing I try to remember is that I am doing my best and my children are happy and healthy. I love them with all I have, and that is the most important thing I can give.

'Taylor'ed parenting

As a mother of 5, it never ceases to amaze me how different each of my kids are. You would think that children who share the same biology and environment would be more similar to each other, but in most instances that is not the case. Sure they have similarities, especially in their physical appearance, but their personalities are uniquely theirs. Let me explain what I mean with my own children as examples.

My firstborn has always been ahead of developmental curves. By the time she was one year old, she had ten teeth, was walking like a pro and had a decent vocabulary. This trend continued into her school years as she surpassed educational benchmarks like becoming an excellent reader far above grade level. She was always good at making friends. I would not be surprised to find her introducing herself to a new girl at the playground and describing her as her "new best friend" by the time we left. This openness applied to many areas of her life. She has never been afraid share or defend her beliefs. One day she came home from middle school and told me how when she was running outside around the track for gym, and a girl made a disrespectful remark full of swear words to her. She asked her to please stop

swearing and it escalated into a little argument. The teacher had to intervene and take the other girl to the office. I found out this girl was not one that most people dare mess with. She towered over my skinny little 75 pound, 12 year old daughter and frequently got into fights, but this didn't deter my daughter from standing up for her values (although it scared me to death). My daughter is in high school now and has continued to show a commitment to good grades, motivation to do her best, and courage to stand up for herself. She is responsible and self-driven.

My second daughter is more on the reserved side. She was described as ultra shy as a child and was happy having just one best friend. It was rare that you would see her without a baby doll in her hands, focusing all her attention on it as if it were alive. During her preschool graduation, all the kids took turns saying what they wanted to be when they grew up. Awww's filled the audience when it was my daughters turn, and she said in her soft little voice "I want to be a mom when I grow up." This love for babies has never ceased. As a big sister, she was crazy about her baby siblings and tried to mother them as much as I did. She is nurturing, gentle, and kind. Now that she is babysitting age, she often remarks that she should be the one paying the parents to babysit their kids because she loves it so much. She also does well in school, but it is with a totally different motivation than my oldest, with the idea that someday she will need to go to college to find a husband to marry so she can have cute kids. She is not as active or driven, and enjoys just relaxing and taking naps, something my oldest rarely does.

Daughter number three provides the comedic relief in the family. She thinks of the funniest and most random things to say and do. The catch is that she is also very self-conscious and anxious about a lot of things. Maybe its insecurity about being the middle child. When she was little she had to be the

first one to do anything or we would all be subject to the wrath of her 3 year old tantrum. She had to be the first one down the stairs in the morning, and to be greeted by her name with a "good morning." If we called her anything like "sweetie" or "princess," she would correct us and say "I'm not sweetie!" and remind us of her name. She is a huge perfectionist and very hard on herself. She still expects to be number one in all she does. Again, this drive is good for grades, but stressful in other situations. This daughter reminds me of the phrase "live, laugh, love" because she lives to the fullest and to be her best, she makes everyone laugh at her fun personality, and she loves and needs to be loved in a real way to feel she is important. She is very independent, but needs to know she is noticed and appreciated. She is probably the most sensitive and aware of the feelings and needs of others out of all my kids. Be her friend, and you will have a friend for life.

My fourth child finally brought a boy to the mix, and that in itself can bring some unique experiences and behaviors. He started out very curious about life and wanting to get into everything. This drove his desire to walk early, talk less, and get into a bit more trouble than his sisters. He ate dirt, climbed on top of the fridge and escaped out the back door in the morning before I was awake. He took child proofing to a whole new level. He was very easy going and fun to be around. As he has grown, he has become very sensitive. He is the most loving and kind boy and still loves to cuddle with me at almost 10 years old. He gets along well with his sisters and is often the willing victim of their teasing and chasing. He also gets frustrated easily and struggles a bit more in school. He is not as motivated, and is a little timid about making new friends, especially with boys who are super active and risk taking. Maybe his sisters made him soft, but he does not like rough and tumble, super athletic and physical activities. He continues to be curious by observing, thinking, and tinkering with things around him. He wants to be an inventor when he grows up.

Finally, we have the baby of the family; child number 5. She was my non-sleeper, cant deny that face, Momma's girl. She takes shy to a whole new level to a point where most people wonder if she even has a voice. She is all girl, obsessed with glitter, dolphins, art work, crafts, makeup, clothing, jewelry, barbies, princesses, and all things Paris. Don't let her fool you though, she is tough as well. Being only 1 year apart from her brother, she holds her own. She is very opinionated and although quiet at school, she will come home and let out all her frustrations about the kids that did her wrong at recess or on the bus. She holds a grudge and is as sassy as can be. She is artsy and loves to bake. School has always been a challenge because of her shyness and her desire to draw on everything which distracts her from the actual assignment. She hates getting in trouble and tries to please everyone.

So by now you may be asking, "why is she telling us all this stuff?" Well, It makes sense to me that the unique traits that all kids possess must come from a pre-existent personality. While genetics, environment, and experiences all come into play in the big picture of who we are, we were born with a spiritual personality that comes from our Father in Heaven. I believe that we are children of God and we possess traits that were given by Him before we were even born. As parents, it is our job to teach, guide and love our children in a way that helps to enhance those natural strengths and which will help them eventually reach their eternal identity and purpose. Since every child is different, this can be tricky. While one child might require more outward expressions of love and validation, another is perfectly content without as much. One child is very sensitive to correction while another needs a more firm approach to respond. One needs more supervision and guidance, while another is more self-sufficient.

No matter what kind of variation we use in parenting each child, we have to make sure of a few constant practices. As a major in marriage and family, I have learned in almost every class about the benefits of authoritative parenting. This style of parenting includes the following: 

•   Love, warmth, and support. 
•  Clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior.
• Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise.
• Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments.
• Opportunities to perform competently and make choices.
• The absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline (harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming, guilt).
• Model behavior with self-control, positive values and attitudes.

Research has shown that the authoritative style of parenting leads to children who are better adjusted in school, less aggressive and delinquent, more friendly and accepted by peers, more communicative, self-motivated, academically inclined and law abiding. Whatever traits, personality and behaviors our kids possess, we as parents can support them by helping them "overcome weaknesses and building upon natural strengths in ways that enhance their 'premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose'" (Hawkins, 2012). Differences make us all unique and should be celebrated. I need to keep this perspective in mind as a parent as I try not to squash my kids identity, but to allow it to bloom and flourish.

Equal Partners

There seems to be a distinct theme among television shows depicting marital relationships. "They make men seem stupid" was a concern voiced by my husband. And women don't seem too capable for much beyond caring for the kids either. The husband typically goes to work then comes home to a nicely prepared meal and watches the game on TV, while the wife deals with the household chores and the kids. Even when the wife works, there are clear gender roles displayed in the home life. Watch this clip for some examples.

 

These clips suggest that husbands have 3 distinct roles in the family: "To be the head...to provide...and to protect." It would appear that the media wants us to think these are the only things a man is responsible for and they are mediocre at best fulfilling these rolls. The other messages in these clips is that the purpose of the wife as laid out by God is to be the "mans helper," and by the looks of it, he needs a lot of help. 

Hopefully, in real life, men and women don't actually behave like this. Can this really be what society actually believes? Where did these ideas of gender roles come from? The video hints that it may be from the creation of Adam and Eve. In Genesis we read: "And the Lord God said; It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make an help meet for him...and he shall rule over thee" (Genesis 2:18, 3:16). In the English language, the term "help meet" sounds like it is depicted in the clip...the man needs a lot of help and its up to the woman to meet him at his beckon call. If we understand God as a loving Father however, we might come to understand His directive a little differently. For example, in Hebrew the word "meet" means "equal to", and "over" is translated as "with". So then we understand this scripture to mean that wives are to rule with their husbands as equal partners.

So as equal partners, are there still specific roles that husbands and wives should fulfill? The Family Proclamation to the World, (as shared on the side bar of this blog) explains the roles given to husbands, wives, mothers and fathers. Similar to the clip, the proclamation explains the three most important roles for the father are "to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection." The proclamation also claims that a mothers primary responsibility is to "nurture their children." These roles are not meant to be the only ones mothers and fathers are responsible for however, and they are definitely not meant to do it alone. The proclamation goes on to state "fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." Unlike the clip which stated husbands are to be "the head," we understand from the proclamation that they should "preside." Preside in this context means to give guidance and direction. As it is stated, this is to be done in love and righteousness as the Savior would have him do, and after joint counsel with his wife for what is best for their family. 

Historically, marriages have appeared to be male-dominated and women had few rights. While some still might feel this should be the case, research has shown this is not beneficial to happy and successful marriages. In fact, research has shown that "couples who have an equal partnership have happier relationships, better individual well-being, more effective parenting practices, and better functioning children. Researchers have consistently found that couples who share power are more satisfied and have better overall marital quality than couples where one spouse dominates" (Gray-Little & Burks, 1983). I have found this to be true in my own marriage. When my husband and I are united in beliefs and issues, my children know where we stand and cannot pin us and our differing opinions against each other. We help one another with household chores, getting kids to after school activities, budgeting, and fixing things around the house. My husband is great and taking time to send the kids notes of appreciation and talking with them at bedtime. We both share in the responsibility to nurture, provide and protect our children, even though as males and females we may have specific and unique gifts we are blessed with in these areas. There is no final decision made without counseling with one another and sometimes our children too. We are in this life together, as "one flesh," (Genesis 2:24) and we believe this is how God intended it to be from the start.