Soul Mates...Fact or Fiction?

“I’m so nervous to get married,” my 17 year old daughter stated. “What if I don’t find my soulmate?” Her younger sister echoed the same feelings. “Soulmates?” I thought. Where did they get this idea? Must come from the movie industry where the beautiful young girl meets the gorgeous man of her dreams and they have a romantic fling in Paris and they share the same goals and dreams and….blah, blah, blah. Too many chick flicks. “Don’t worry,” I told them. “There’s no such thing as just one person for you.” My false perception that this would be a comfort for them, has now led to a 2 week long conversation to convince them that there was hope for more than one "perfect person” out there for them, and if they don’t find them, they will never find true happiness.

So I got curious, what do my married friends think? Maybe they can provide some insights into what to say to my teenage daughters. I was surprised that 2 out of 6 of the friends I asked said they believed in soul mates as well. Hopefully, they also believe they are married to theirs. The other 4 had some good points, I thought. One pointed out that if there were only one person out there meant to be with us, we could miss some “cosmic sign or whatever and miss our chance to be with them.” Well, after reading some council on marriage this week, I came across some great thoughts on the subject that the majority of my married friends seemed to echo. In my reading, a marriage researcher, Scott Stanley, compares marriages to the stock market. He explains that marriage is a long term investment and satisfaction levels go up and down over time, some more than others. But he also noticed that “long-term commitment will carry you through the ups and downs of married life…Most who consistently invest in their marriages will do very well over the long term.” Marriage takes hard work, selflessness, and sacrifice. My reading goes on to state that “as expectations for sacrifice spiral downward, expectations for our ‘soul mate’ spouse ascend higher and higher.” I love the term that Scott Stanley used next, “soul-mate-ism.” This is what occurs when one becomes obsessed with “completely unrealistic expectations of a union devoid of irritation, personality differences, and the need to compromise. Soul-mate-ism conveys an expectation of heavenly connection that makes earthbound relationships more difficult.” How stressful to think that my husband might expect so much perfection from me as his perceived chosen soul mate! If I don’t live up to his expectations, he might think “well, guess she wasn’t the one for me” and move on to find someone that better fits the bill. 

( Hawkins, Dollhite, & Draper, Successful Marriages and Families, 2012)

A more comforting thought came from a man I trust and respect very much, Spencer W. Kimball, who was I believe, a modern prophet on the earth. He stated,

 “’Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”  

Sign me up for that marriage please! This is also very similar to the thoughts that the majority of my married friends shared. I am nowhere close to perfect, and neither is my husband. After the initial honeymoon phase was over, I began to notice just how much this was true. The excitement of new love and the perception of a perfect companion while dating gradually wears off. You begin to notice little annoyances and more imperfections pop up. My husband used to drive me crazy with leaving open the cabinet doors. I’m sure every couple feels initial frustration at the discovery of little habits they didn’t know their “perfect mate” possessed…leaving the cap off the toothpaste, stealing the covers in bed, leaving their socks in the bathroom, drinking straight from the milk carton…the list could go on and on. The important thing is that we don’t dwell on these annoyances. If I was not careful, I could begin to wonder “What if I made the wrong choice? There were other prospects out there for me, maybe I chose the wrong one? Would I be happier with someone else?” I have learned that rather than trying to mold your spouse into your model of perfection, you should take a look at what you can do to serve them. Your love and appreciation grows through acts of service. Spencer W. Kimball also stated:

 “We need an unspoiled companion who will not count our wrinkles, remember our stupidities nor remember our weaknesses; … we need a loving companion with whom we have suffered and wept and prayed and worshipped; one with whom we have suffered sorrow and disappointments, one who loves us for what we are or intend to be rather than what we appear to be in our gilded shell.” 

I so love that thought. Marriage is meant to be a partnership, where each person plays an equal part. We both have different roles and responsibilities, and no one is perfect, but together we grow and learn. It is not always easy and I guarantee there will be bumps in the road, but if we are willing to put forth the effort and set our selfish expectations aside, there will be no room for “what if’s" or a continual search for our one, true "Soul Mate."