He is the Gift

 This time of year, instead of getting caught up in the hustle and bustle of gift buying and holiday parties, remember the reason for the season. 

http://www.mormon.org/christmas?cid=HPFR112814529

You are enough

Recently, I have had a few discussions with other stay at home mom's and it seems we all have one thing in common. We feel like the things we do arent enough. There is a lot of pressure in the world to create the "perfect family".  There is a perception that as stay at home moms, we should be able to raise perfectly behaved, smart successful, talented, polite kids, have a perfectly clean house, a perfect relationship with our husband, and look good while doing it. After all, we have all the time in the world and additional leisure on top of it to sit and watch talk shows while we eat bon bons and still manage to stay in shape and put together, right? Well, let me tell you, this perception is bogus. Being a stay at home mom is hard! Our kids arent perfect, our house isnt always clean, and dinner often consists of frozen pizza. If anyone appears to have it "all together", they are lying. No one is perfect, and we will never find happiness trying or pretending to be. I believe, happiness lies in recognizing our little success'. It lies in doing the best we can, and even though we fail...sometimes a lot, our kids still think we are the best parents in the world. And isnt their opinion what really matters? I am grateful that as a member of my church, I have so many guidelines laid out to help me with create those little success'. Through living prophets, we are given instruction and counsel on how to truly create happy families. One of these prophets was Ezra Taft Benson. He gave a talk to women, outlining the blessings of motherhood. He also provided 10 important suggestions we should be following in our families.

"No more sacred word exists in secular or holy writ than that of mother. There is no more noble work than that of a good and God-fearing mother. … President David O. McKay declared: 'Motherhood is the greatest potential influence either for good or ill in human life. The mother’s image is the first that stamps itself on the unwritten page of the young child’s mind. It is her caress that first awakens a sense of security; her kiss, the first realization of affection; her sympathy and tenderness, the first assurance that there is love in the world…Motherhood consists of three principal attributes or qualities: namely, (1) the power to bear, (2) the ability to rear, (3) the gift to love. . . . This ability and willingness properly to rear children, the gift to love, and eagerness, yes, longing to express it in soul development, make motherhood the noblest office or calling in the world. She who can paint a masterpiece or write a book that will influence millions deserves the admiration and the plaudits of mankind; but she who rears successfully a family of healthy, beautiful sons and daughters, whose influence will be felt through generations to come, . . . deserves the highest honor that man can give, and the choicest blessings of God'. "Do not curtail the number of your children for personal or selfish reasons. Material possessions, social convenience, and so-called professional advantages are nothing compared to a righteous posterity. In the eternal perspective, children—not possessions, not position, not prestige—are our greatest jewels."

The ten suggestions he gives are: 

1.      Be at the Crossroads. Take time to always be at the crossroads when your children are either coming or going— when they leave and return from school, when they leave and return from dates, when they bring friends home. Be there at the crossroads whether your children are six or sixteen.

2.      Be a Real Friend. Take time to be a real friend to your children. Listen to your children, really listen. Talk with them, laugh and joke with them, sing with them, play with them, cry with them, hug them, honestly praise them. Yes, regularly spend unrushed one-on-one time with each child.

3.      Read to Your Children. You will plant a love for good literature and a real love for the scriptures if you will read to your children regularly.

4.      Pray with Your Children. Have your children feel of your faith as you call down the blessings of heaven upon them…. Have your children participate in family and personal prayers, and rejoice in their sweet utterances to their Father in Heaven.

5.      Have Weekly Home Evenings. With your husband presiding, participate in a spiritual and an uplifting home evening each week. Have your children actively involved. Teach them correct principles. “Love at home and obedience to parents will increase. Faith will be developed in the hearts of the youth of Israel, and they will gain power to combat the evil influence and temptations which beset them” Joseph F. Smith

6.      Be Together at Mealtimes. Happy conversation, sharing of the day’s plans and activities, and special teaching moments occur at mealtime because mothers and fathers and children work at it.

7.      Read Scriptures Daily. Individual scripture reading is important, but family scripture reading is vital. Reading the Book of Mormon together as a family will especially bring increased spirituality into your home and will give both parents and children the power to resist temptation and to have the Holy Ghost as their constant companion…the Book of Mormon will change the lives of your family

8.      Do Things as a Family. Make family outings and picnics and birthday celebrations and trips special times and memory builders. Whenever possible, attend, as a family, events where one of the family members is involved, such as a school play, a ball game, a talk, a recital. Attend church meetings together and sit together as a family when you can. Mothers who help families pray and play together will stay together and will bless children’s lives forever.

9.      Teach Your Children. Catch the teaching moments. This can be done anytime during the day—at mealtime, in casual settings, or at special sit-down times together, at the foot of the bed at the end of the day, or during an early morning walk together. Mothers, you are your children’s best teacher. Don’t shift this precious responsibility to day-care centers or baby-sitters. A mother’s love and prayerful concern for the children are her most important ingredients in teaching her own. Teach Gospel principles, modesty, the right kind of entertainment, etc. The Church cannot teach like you can. The school cannot. The day-care center cannot. But you can, and the Lord will sustain you. Your children will remember your teachings forever, and when they are old, they will not depart from them. They will call you blessed—their truly angel mother

10.  Truly Love Your Children. A mother’s unqualified love approaches Christlike love. Work at this prayerfully. There need be no generation gap. And the key is love. Our young people need love and attention, not indulgence. They need empathy and understanding, not indifference from mothers and fathers. They need the parents’ time. A mother’s kindly teachings and her love for and confidence in a teenage son or daughter can literally save them from a wicked world.

So on those days when dinner gets burned, the house is a wreck, the birthday party I planned is not "up to par", and my kids "hate" me for not letting them have that extra scoop of ice cream...on those days, I need to remind myself, that as long as I am doing the best I can to take care of these 10 basic priorities and above all, LOVE MY KIDS to the very best of my abilities, I will be enough in my Father in Heavens eyes. The rest of the worlds opinion of me doesn't really matter.

For the full talk, go here: https://www.lds.org/ensign/1987/05/news-of-the-church/president-benson-lauds-blessings-of-motherhood?lang=eng

Love and Laws

I am one of the millions of mothers around the world who gets to hear my children exclaim, "Your mean!" I hope I am not the only one who feels a tinge of hurt and regret when I hear these word uttered from a seemingly sweet and innocent 6 year old. There are moments when I want to be my kids best friends. I want them to have it all! I would never purposely do anything to bring them unhappiness. Yet, I do. I place rules and restrictions on them. I tell them "No"...a lot! And almost every time, I feel guilt and wonder if I am doing any good and if enduring the whining and tantrums from my children when they dont get what they want is really going to do any good or be worth it in the end. I read a article this week given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks called "Love and Law". He is one of my favorite apostles and this talk reassured me of why. He reminded me of the following truths:

"God’s love is so perfect that He lovingly requires us to obey His commandments because He knows that only through obedience to His laws can we become perfect, as He is. For this reason, God’s anger and His wrath are not a contradiction of His love but an evidence of His love. Every parent knows that you can love a child totally and completely while still being creatively angry and disappointed at that child’s self-defeating behavior." So the feelings of regret and worry that I feel are actually a good thing! Its evidence that I love them. If I didnt care, I wouldnt feel anything. Just like our loving Heavenly Father places commandments on us to protect us, he doesnt always give us the answers we want. He gives us what we need in order to be successful in our lives and protected. He is our model for parenting. Sometimes he lets us stumble and fall, to make us stronger and force us to get back up on our own. If I always gave in to my children they would never learn how to deal with the disappointments that came in their life. They wouldnt learn about the things that are truly important and how to think of others. They wouldnt have any respect for the rules. Elder Oaks continued giving us reasons why sometimes we have to let our kids practice agency. 

"God does not intervene to forestall the consequences of some persons’ choices in order to protect the well-being of other persons—even when they kill, injure, or oppress one another— for this would destroy His plan for our eternal progress. He will bless us to endure the consequences of others’ choices, but He will not prevent those choices." Our agency is a gift. God does not control us, this would be Satans plan. We wouldnt learn from our mistakes if we were forced to follow the rules. We wouldnt be able to experience success from overcoming our failures. We ahve to allow our kids the chance to learn and progress from their own experiences. Elder oaks continues: 

"Where do parents draw the line? That is a matter for parental wisdom, guided by the inspiration of the Lord. There is no area of parental action that is more needful of heavenly guidance or more likely to receive it than the decisions of parents in raising their children and governing their families. This is the work of eternity." We are so blessed to have a perfect example of parenting through our Heavenly Parents. Just like our earthly father, our Heavenly Father wants to teach, guide, help, support, advise us. He is waiting to answer us and bless us. He wants to see us succeed. Its a great feeling when my kids finally understand something...when they finally get how to tie their shoe, or write their name after struggling to do so. When even though it hurts, they understand why hitting or saying mean words to someone is wrong because they have experienced it themselves. When they learn on their own, with maybe just a little guidance, and a lot of patience. 

For a link to the entire talk go here: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/love-and-law?lang=eng

Answers to prayer

This last week was rough for me. I had a ton of homework, my husband had been out of town for two weeks, I had to plan and carry out a birthday a party for my daughter (a slumber party with 9 9-10 year olds!), keep the house clean, get the kids to church activities, Halloween activities, and soccer, participate in a wedding and just be expected to smile through it all and keep a happy demeanor. I failed. I lost patience with my kids. I found faults in my husband. I just wanted to quit on everything.  In my weakest moment when everyone was off to school and work, I let the tears out. I decided what I needed was God. I knelt down and cried and cried in front of my Heavenly Father and pleaded with him to grant me the peace and strength I needed to do it all and meet His expectations as a mother, wife and disciple. After my prayer, I began to feel immediately better. I knew that my prayer was heard and that my loving Father was wrapping His arms around me. After breakfast and a shower I sat down at the computer to plug away at homework with  renewed sense of purpose. As I began reading, I came across another answer to my prayer from one of the past apostles of my church, Bruce R. McConkie. His words were just what I needed. They were this:

"We do not need to tremble and fear; we do not need to have anxiety or worry if we are laboring and working and strug­gling to the best of our abilities. Though we do not become perfect, though we do not overcome all things, if our hearts are right and we are charting a course to eternal life...our marriages will continue in the realms that are ahead."

Aha! This is something I forget all too often...I dont have to do it all...I dont have to be perfect in everything. Even though I do have struggles, all I have to do is my best. If my heart is in the right place and I keep an eternal perspective, the rest will take care of itself. As I read on further, I came across another 'aha' moment. Another Apostle, Bruce C. Hafen said this:

"When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent....

Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith: they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. Then they will discover what Alma called 'incomprehensible joy.'"

In the LDS church, we believe that if we marry in the temple we are able to be spouses and families for eternity, not just until death. In the temple, we make sacred covenants with our companion and with God, in a 3 way partnership. We are taught that with God at the top of the triangle, as the married couple moves closer to God up the triangle, they naturally move closer together as well. Elder Hafen's words reminded me that this kind of covenant marriage requires 100% of our efforts. We have to work, grow and give together. I am grateful that I was able to be married in the temple and that I have a husband who honors his covenant and who is there for me. I know I can rely on him if I just ask him for help. Just like my Heavenly Father is there, waiting to bless me and answer my prayers, help and comfort me. All I need to do is ask.

An Eternal Partnership

I will be the first to admit that sometimes my husband can be as much work as my children. He leaves his clothes lying on the floor, toothpaste in the sink, paperwork on the counter tops, and has to schedule his day around the sporting events on TV. After a long day of working for both of us, he needs a welcome commitee full of smiling hellos, hugs, and dinner all ready to consume upon arrival home. I, on the other hand, don't get a welcome committee, because well, its hard to arrive home when you don't leave with the exception of runs to the grocery store, dentist or soccer practices, all of which ussually require my welcome committee to come along with me. It can be easy to feel frustrated, or even resentful sometimes. Thankfully, by looking at life with an eternal perspective these feelings can be changed.

The leaders of my church, who we consider to be prophets, seers and revelators, have given a Proclamation to the World, concerning the family. The reason for giving this proclamation can I believe, be best understood by a statement from one of the apostles of our church, Henry B. Eyring. He said "Because our Father [in Heaven] loves his children, he will not leave us to guess about what matters most in this life concerning where our attention could bring happiness or our indifference bring sadness." God wants for us to be happy and successful, so he has provided instructions for us to help. Sometimes this comes from scriptures, sometimes from answers to prayers, or through other people. The prophet and apostles are one of the insructional tools God have given to us, to provide additional guidance and inspiration through this life.Through them, the proclamation was given to provide insight and direction for creating a happy and eternal family. It states: "Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."

Did you catch that last part there? Equal partners. Even with the obvious differences that males and females possess, we know that we are meant to work together. Our unique God given traits are meant to compliment and support one another. God knew that Adam could not make it alone, so he created a "help-meet" for him, and Eve "did labor with him" side by side in the garden of Eden. Im sure even Adam and Eve shared their differences, as most males and females do. They probably had their share of disagreements and Eve probably also experienced feelings of frustration. But, as I read this paragraph from the proclamation I am reminded that for a marriage to be successful, we need to have forgiveness, respect and compassion toward our spouse. When we work together as equal partners and set aside selfish feelings, we can truly experience happiness in our family life. Obviously, as the proclamtion also states, there will be circumstances that "may necessitate individual adaptation." Disabilities, Death and Divorce do happen, but we can be assured that we always have a partner by our side who will support, comfort, understand, and provide for us-Jesus Christ. 

By allowing Jesus Christ to be a partner in our life and marriage, we can receive the strength and guidance needed to lift and inspire us. I cant control what anyone else chooses to do, but I can control what I do, say and think and as Elder Eyring teaches, "we can decide that we will do all that we can to bring down the powers of heaven into that family we want so much to have forever." I am grateful that I have a three-way partnership with my husband and with my Savior. Together, we work and serve our family, so we can have peace, strength and love in our home.

  
*The link to the full proclamation can be found on the sidebar of this blog.

Finding Happiness

Life is stressful sometimes...well for me, a lot of the time. Between going to school, making dinner, running errands, driving kids to and from after-school activities, cleaning the house, and helping with homework...(the list goes on and on)...its easy to forget to sit back, enjoy life, breathe and just be happy. So what is it that makes me happy? When I think about that question, the first things that come to mind are when I see my kids succeed at something they have tried hard to achieve. When I was able to help a friend in need. Or when I reminisce about holidays and vacations with the family. What I noticed, is that all of these things have nothing to do with myself. Im happiest when I see or am able to make other people happy. Everyone finds happiness in different ways, but I believe that selflessness and service have a lot to do with it.

 In a talk given at Brigham Young University, Elder Richard G. Scott posed a series of questions that can help us determine what he defines as "red flags indicating danger ahead." When I read through this list, it helped me to see the red flags in my life that warning me about becoming side tracked and lost. Some questions helped me to remember the things that are truly important in my life, the things that I need to try harder on, and the things I need to give up.

1. Do you think of others more than of yourself?
 2. If you are married, are you more understanding of your companion, more anxious to make life easier for that beloved being than for yourself?
 3. Do you seek time with your children or your parents in preference to a group of private friends?
 4. Does the acquiring of things,when viewed in the brilliant light of reality, sometimes mean more to you than obeying principles known to be true?
 5. Do you thirst after righteousness? Or are there times when the allure of stimulating images is allowed to temporarily fill your mind because, after all, they are really not that bad?
 6. Do your actions focus on entertainment, immediate satisfaction, self-interests,or personal gratification even though your goals are elsewhere?
 7. Do you find yourself often thinking of all of the things that you wish you had that you’ve not been blessed to have--maybe even very desirable ones like a husband or wife or children,good health, more personal attractiveness, more joy and happiness and peace of mind--while neglecting to recognize all that the Lord has blessed you with already?
 8. Do you ever pray to him when your heart is so filled with things to thank him for that you do not feel inclined to ask for anything else?

 Realizing my blessings makes a huge difference in my happiness and in the happiness of my children. I have a couple kids who tend to sway more towards the side of pessimism than I would like. I got tired of listening to them complain about how picked on they were, how hard their day was, and how life just "isn't fair". So I decided to try an experiment on them. Every night before they went to bed, they had to list 5 good things that happened to them that day. At first it was hard for them, (oddly, most things had to do with the type of food or treat they got to eat that day), but as the days went on as they struggled for answers, we turned to the simple solution of just listing a blessing they were grateful for. Gradually, I started to see a change in my kids. They were becoming happier, more positive individuals. They started to whisper to me the good things that they were going to mention that night as they happened. They were now focused on finding the good in life...the things that made them happy. And it made all the difference.

Elder Scott ended his talk by stating, "If you are one of the truly happy individuals who love your Father in Heaven and are grateful for each day’s blessings,reaching out to others in preference to thoughts of self, I rejoice for you. ...I pray that you may feel how very much your Father in Heaven loves you and wants you to be happy. I pray that you will be stirred to recognize how infinitely blessed you are to have a Father in Heaven, to have a plan that is perfect,to be able to acquire a clear understanding of what brings happiness in life through pondering, prayer, and application of his teachings."

 I know, that just as I find happiness in seeing my children happy, our Father in Heaven also smiles down on us when we reach our goals, serve His children, and take time to be aware and thankful for our blessings. He wants us to be happy. That is ultimately what we should be striving for in this life, and He is there to help. We just need to have faith in Him, in His plan, and try. This is my truth.

Please view this sincere invitation to test the message of

The church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints...

Post by David A Bednar.