Equal Partners

There seems to be a distinct theme among television shows depicting marital relationships. "They make men seem stupid" was a concern voiced by my husband. And women don't seem too capable for much beyond caring for the kids either. The husband typically goes to work then comes home to a nicely prepared meal and watches the game on TV, while the wife deals with the household chores and the kids. Even when the wife works, there are clear gender roles displayed in the home life. Watch this clip for some examples.

 

These clips suggest that husbands have 3 distinct roles in the family: "To be the head...to provide...and to protect." It would appear that the media wants us to think these are the only things a man is responsible for and they are mediocre at best fulfilling these rolls. The other messages in these clips is that the purpose of the wife as laid out by God is to be the "mans helper," and by the looks of it, he needs a lot of help. 

Hopefully, in real life, men and women don't actually behave like this. Can this really be what society actually believes? Where did these ideas of gender roles come from? The video hints that it may be from the creation of Adam and Eve. In Genesis we read: "And the Lord God said; It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make an help meet for him...and he shall rule over thee" (Genesis 2:18, 3:16). In the English language, the term "help meet" sounds like it is depicted in the clip...the man needs a lot of help and its up to the woman to meet him at his beckon call. If we understand God as a loving Father however, we might come to understand His directive a little differently. For example, in Hebrew the word "meet" means "equal to", and "over" is translated as "with". So then we understand this scripture to mean that wives are to rule with their husbands as equal partners.

So as equal partners, are there still specific roles that husbands and wives should fulfill? The Family Proclamation to the World, (as shared on the side bar of this blog) explains the roles given to husbands, wives, mothers and fathers. Similar to the clip, the proclamation explains the three most important roles for the father are "to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection." The proclamation also claims that a mothers primary responsibility is to "nurture their children." These roles are not meant to be the only ones mothers and fathers are responsible for however, and they are definitely not meant to do it alone. The proclamation goes on to state "fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." Unlike the clip which stated husbands are to be "the head," we understand from the proclamation that they should "preside." Preside in this context means to give guidance and direction. As it is stated, this is to be done in love and righteousness as the Savior would have him do, and after joint counsel with his wife for what is best for their family. 

Historically, marriages have appeared to be male-dominated and women had few rights. While some still might feel this should be the case, research has shown this is not beneficial to happy and successful marriages. In fact, research has shown that "couples who have an equal partnership have happier relationships, better individual well-being, more effective parenting practices, and better functioning children. Researchers have consistently found that couples who share power are more satisfied and have better overall marital quality than couples where one spouse dominates" (Gray-Little & Burks, 1983). I have found this to be true in my own marriage. When my husband and I are united in beliefs and issues, my children know where we stand and cannot pin us and our differing opinions against each other. We help one another with household chores, getting kids to after school activities, budgeting, and fixing things around the house. My husband is great and taking time to send the kids notes of appreciation and talking with them at bedtime. We both share in the responsibility to nurture, provide and protect our children, even though as males and females we may have specific and unique gifts we are blessed with in these areas. There is no final decision made without counseling with one another and sometimes our children too. We are in this life together, as "one flesh," (Genesis 2:24) and we believe this is how God intended it to be from the start.

Soul Mates...Fact or Fiction?

“I’m so nervous to get married,” my 17 year old daughter stated. “What if I don’t find my soulmate?” Her younger sister echoed the same feelings. “Soulmates?” I thought. Where did they get this idea? Must come from the movie industry where the beautiful young girl meets the gorgeous man of her dreams and they have a romantic fling in Paris and they share the same goals and dreams and….blah, blah, blah. Too many chick flicks. “Don’t worry,” I told them. “There’s no such thing as just one person for you.” My false perception that this would be a comfort for them, has now led to a 2 week long conversation to convince them that there was hope for more than one "perfect person” out there for them, and if they don’t find them, they will never find true happiness.

So I got curious, what do my married friends think? Maybe they can provide some insights into what to say to my teenage daughters. I was surprised that 2 out of 6 of the friends I asked said they believed in soul mates as well. Hopefully, they also believe they are married to theirs. The other 4 had some good points, I thought. One pointed out that if there were only one person out there meant to be with us, we could miss some “cosmic sign or whatever and miss our chance to be with them.” Well, after reading some council on marriage this week, I came across some great thoughts on the subject that the majority of my married friends seemed to echo. In my reading, a marriage researcher, Scott Stanley, compares marriages to the stock market. He explains that marriage is a long term investment and satisfaction levels go up and down over time, some more than others. But he also noticed that “long-term commitment will carry you through the ups and downs of married life…Most who consistently invest in their marriages will do very well over the long term.” Marriage takes hard work, selflessness, and sacrifice. My reading goes on to state that “as expectations for sacrifice spiral downward, expectations for our ‘soul mate’ spouse ascend higher and higher.” I love the term that Scott Stanley used next, “soul-mate-ism.” This is what occurs when one becomes obsessed with “completely unrealistic expectations of a union devoid of irritation, personality differences, and the need to compromise. Soul-mate-ism conveys an expectation of heavenly connection that makes earthbound relationships more difficult.” How stressful to think that my husband might expect so much perfection from me as his perceived chosen soul mate! If I don’t live up to his expectations, he might think “well, guess she wasn’t the one for me” and move on to find someone that better fits the bill. 

( Hawkins, Dollhite, & Draper, Successful Marriages and Families, 2012)

A more comforting thought came from a man I trust and respect very much, Spencer W. Kimball, who was I believe, a modern prophet on the earth. He stated,

 “’Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”  

Sign me up for that marriage please! This is also very similar to the thoughts that the majority of my married friends shared. I am nowhere close to perfect, and neither is my husband. After the initial honeymoon phase was over, I began to notice just how much this was true. The excitement of new love and the perception of a perfect companion while dating gradually wears off. You begin to notice little annoyances and more imperfections pop up. My husband used to drive me crazy with leaving open the cabinet doors. I’m sure every couple feels initial frustration at the discovery of little habits they didn’t know their “perfect mate” possessed…leaving the cap off the toothpaste, stealing the covers in bed, leaving their socks in the bathroom, drinking straight from the milk carton…the list could go on and on. The important thing is that we don’t dwell on these annoyances. If I was not careful, I could begin to wonder “What if I made the wrong choice? There were other prospects out there for me, maybe I chose the wrong one? Would I be happier with someone else?” I have learned that rather than trying to mold your spouse into your model of perfection, you should take a look at what you can do to serve them. Your love and appreciation grows through acts of service. Spencer W. Kimball also stated:

 “We need an unspoiled companion who will not count our wrinkles, remember our stupidities nor remember our weaknesses; … we need a loving companion with whom we have suffered and wept and prayed and worshipped; one with whom we have suffered sorrow and disappointments, one who loves us for what we are or intend to be rather than what we appear to be in our gilded shell.” 

I so love that thought. Marriage is meant to be a partnership, where each person plays an equal part. We both have different roles and responsibilities, and no one is perfect, but together we grow and learn. It is not always easy and I guarantee there will be bumps in the road, but if we are willing to put forth the effort and set our selfish expectations aside, there will be no room for “what if’s" or a continual search for our one, true "Soul Mate."

Marital Transformations

After learning more about the concept of soul mates, I began to think about just how much effort it takes to create a happy and successful marriage. Bumps in the road will inevitably come and there will be days we feel like giving up. As a stay at home mom to 5 kids, I have had a good deal of these days. I have felt physically, emotionally, and mentally drained by 4:00 pm. The problem is that my husband gets home around 6:00 pm, and I admit to having taken my frustrations out on him. Disagreements are had, tempers lost, money seems always tight, and believe it or not we don’t always have the same goals in mind. Being the work in progress that I am, and fully aware of my needs to change, I feel compelled to apply the principles of John Gottman, one of the world’s leading marriage researchers, therapists and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He has provided a list of genius and quite simple steps for peacefully handling differences and solving problems. Okay, so not all of them are simple, because some might require change, or in a different term I read this week a “transformative process.” Changing and transforming is hard work, just like marriage. Both require humility, commitment, sacrifice and forgiveness.
 

I believe in tackling change one step at a time. Once I become better at one thing, I move on to the next. Gottman suggests that in order to handle differences and problems, we need to apply prevention strategies. I have spent the majority of my 18 ½  yearlong marriage working on the first suggestion which includes letting go of “trivial matters,” like when my husband used to leave open the cupboards. I'm over it now, I promise. Another suggestion we try to follow is having regular couple counsels where we discuss the family, our marriage, or other issues. Whenever I ask people what the number one key to a happy marriage is, I always hear “communication” on the list of must's. This goes to show that experience has proven you can’t grow together or have a very successful marriage without it. The people and the experts have spoken! 

The next suggestion is one I need a little more work on. As I mentioned, sometimes when I get tired, angry or frustrated I take things out on my husband. If I am directly angry or offended at something he said or did, I will most likely try to avoid him or give him the silent treatment. Like I said, I’m far from perfect. Gottman says to eliminate these “destructive interaction patterns.” Get rid of the criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, escalation and invalidation. These are not effective ways to get your point across and will only make things worse. While I work on that transformation, I will put the next suggestions on my to do list. They include things like calming yourself down before and during communication, bringing up concerns in a soft and gentle way (without blame, criticism or negative remarks), learning how to de-escalate, apologize and acknowledge your own faults and your partners strengths and attempts, and discussing solutions that both can agree with. One specific suggestion that Gottman offered was to use "I statements." He says "complaining is okay, but don't blame. Speak for yourself. Use "I" statements to communicate your feelings (I felt hurt when you left me alone at the party), not "you" statements (you are so inconsiderate)."

I look at these suggestions and think 

overall these things require us to 

be humble. A little saying we

hear all the time is “What would Jesus do?” As cliché as this is, it is a good question to ponder. If I am acting in a way that is not in line with the example of the Savior, I need to re-evaluate and transform my actions and thinking. Something I loved this week was a point made by David A. Bednar. He explained that marriage is like a triangle with the Savior at the top and the husband and wife at each lower corner. As the husband and wife each come closer to the Savior, they also grow closer to each other. I’ve learned over time that the triangle is one of the strongest forms in architecture. If one side is broken, the strength is lost. So we too cannot break the connection between any side of our marital triangle, or the marriage will weaken. I have also learned from personal experience that when I am not doing what I should be to draw closer to the Savior, I am more impatient and unloving towards my husband. By following the example and teachings of the Savior, and working on transforming into a better spouse, I know I can become better at peacefully handling differences and creating more love in my relationship.

A Plan of Happiness

I attended a funeral yesterday of an amazing man. This man was a father, a husband, a brother, a son, a bishop, a missionary, and a friend. He was an enduring example of Christlike love and service. The chapel where his funeral was held was full of people who had felt the influence of this mans love and kindness in their life. For such a fulfilling life, one might think that he must have been very old, but to the contrary, he was only 66. He was in good health, as far as anyone knew, and died unexpectedly in about a peaceful 10 minutes time.

To most, this seems much too soon to be taken from this earth and while most also might expect his funeral to be full of mourning and confusion, his was not. The messages shared at his funeral were ones of hope and peace. A dear mutual friend of ours and influential leader of the local congregation of our faith in the southern Milwaukee area (a counselor in what we call the stake presidency) gave a eulogy which highlighted the blessings of what many refer to as the plan of happiness. This is a well known doctrine in our church, and one that provides clarity, hope and purpose to life. As a part of this plan, which was laid out by our loving Father in Heaven, we are able to return to live with our families in the presence of God for eternity after we die. I have heard that this is a rather unique concept among religions, and one that brings many to the gospel of Jesus Christ that I believe to be true.

This plan not only provides me with the hope of reuniting with my lost relatives and friends like the one that passed this week, but it clarifies the importance of families on the earth. It is the same plan the Jesus Christ presented in his gospel while on the earth. After time had past when Christ was no longer on the earth, many important parts of this plan were lost and forgotten. People became confused and followed after their own ideas. My church believes that this doctrine was restored through the revelation of a modern day prophet, Joseph Smith. This doctrine emphasizes 3 important "pillars" in the plan of happiness. The creation of the earth and man, the fall of Adam and Eve, and the atonement of Jesus Christ. These three vital occurrences are what allow us to live in families now and forever. Let me explain...

The creation  provided us with a place to live with earthy parents and physical bodies. The fall allowed us all to be born into this world and to experience life at its fullest. Complete with ups and downs, happiness and tears, the gift of agency in our mortal life enables us to create our own families and destinies. Last, the atonement makes our lives worthwhile. It provides us with the gift of being able to return back into the presence of our Heavenly parents, even though we may sin and stumble. We repeat this pattern regularly throughout our own lives. We experience our own creations of children, new jobs and other opportunities. We experience falls as we may stumble, confront failures, challenges and opposition. We then turn to the power of the atonement as we seek for comfort and healing.

I am so grateful to understand a plan that provides clarity and purpose to my earthly life and relationships, and peace and comfort that death is not the end. I have experienced the loss of many loved ones in my life. The most significant was my own mother, who died when I was only 12 years old. I look forward to the day when we can be reunited as an eternal family, along with others who have passed including grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, a sister and cousins. The plan that allows this to happen is a plan of salvation, and it truly does bring me happiness in my life.

He is the Gift

 This time of year, instead of getting caught up in the hustle and bustle of gift buying and holiday parties, remember the reason for the season. 

http://www.mormon.org/christmas?cid=HPFR112814529

You are enough

Recently, I have had a few discussions with other stay at home mom's and it seems we all have one thing in common. We feel like the things we do arent enough. There is a lot of pressure in the world to create the "perfect family".  There is a perception that as stay at home moms, we should be able to raise perfectly behaved, smart successful, talented, polite kids, have a perfectly clean house, a perfect relationship with our husband, and look good while doing it. After all, we have all the time in the world and additional leisure on top of it to sit and watch talk shows while we eat bon bons and still manage to stay in shape and put together, right? Well, let me tell you, this perception is bogus. Being a stay at home mom is hard! Our kids arent perfect, our house isnt always clean, and dinner often consists of frozen pizza. If anyone appears to have it "all together", they are lying. No one is perfect, and we will never find happiness trying or pretending to be. I believe, happiness lies in recognizing our little success'. It lies in doing the best we can, and even though we fail...sometimes a lot, our kids still think we are the best parents in the world. And isnt their opinion what really matters? I am grateful that as a member of my church, I have so many guidelines laid out to help me with create those little success'. Through living prophets, we are given instruction and counsel on how to truly create happy families. One of these prophets was Ezra Taft Benson. He gave a talk to women, outlining the blessings of motherhood. He also provided 10 important suggestions we should be following in our families.

"No more sacred word exists in secular or holy writ than that of mother. There is no more noble work than that of a good and God-fearing mother. … President David O. McKay declared: 'Motherhood is the greatest potential influence either for good or ill in human life. The mother’s image is the first that stamps itself on the unwritten page of the young child’s mind. It is her caress that first awakens a sense of security; her kiss, the first realization of affection; her sympathy and tenderness, the first assurance that there is love in the world…Motherhood consists of three principal attributes or qualities: namely, (1) the power to bear, (2) the ability to rear, (3) the gift to love. . . . This ability and willingness properly to rear children, the gift to love, and eagerness, yes, longing to express it in soul development, make motherhood the noblest office or calling in the world. She who can paint a masterpiece or write a book that will influence millions deserves the admiration and the plaudits of mankind; but she who rears successfully a family of healthy, beautiful sons and daughters, whose influence will be felt through generations to come, . . . deserves the highest honor that man can give, and the choicest blessings of God'. "Do not curtail the number of your children for personal or selfish reasons. Material possessions, social convenience, and so-called professional advantages are nothing compared to a righteous posterity. In the eternal perspective, children—not possessions, not position, not prestige—are our greatest jewels."

The ten suggestions he gives are: 

1.      Be at the Crossroads. Take time to always be at the crossroads when your children are either coming or going— when they leave and return from school, when they leave and return from dates, when they bring friends home. Be there at the crossroads whether your children are six or sixteen.

2.      Be a Real Friend. Take time to be a real friend to your children. Listen to your children, really listen. Talk with them, laugh and joke with them, sing with them, play with them, cry with them, hug them, honestly praise them. Yes, regularly spend unrushed one-on-one time with each child.

3.      Read to Your Children. You will plant a love for good literature and a real love for the scriptures if you will read to your children regularly.

4.      Pray with Your Children. Have your children feel of your faith as you call down the blessings of heaven upon them…. Have your children participate in family and personal prayers, and rejoice in their sweet utterances to their Father in Heaven.

5.      Have Weekly Home Evenings. With your husband presiding, participate in a spiritual and an uplifting home evening each week. Have your children actively involved. Teach them correct principles. “Love at home and obedience to parents will increase. Faith will be developed in the hearts of the youth of Israel, and they will gain power to combat the evil influence and temptations which beset them” Joseph F. Smith

6.      Be Together at Mealtimes. Happy conversation, sharing of the day’s plans and activities, and special teaching moments occur at mealtime because mothers and fathers and children work at it.

7.      Read Scriptures Daily. Individual scripture reading is important, but family scripture reading is vital. Reading the Book of Mormon together as a family will especially bring increased spirituality into your home and will give both parents and children the power to resist temptation and to have the Holy Ghost as their constant companion…the Book of Mormon will change the lives of your family

8.      Do Things as a Family. Make family outings and picnics and birthday celebrations and trips special times and memory builders. Whenever possible, attend, as a family, events where one of the family members is involved, such as a school play, a ball game, a talk, a recital. Attend church meetings together and sit together as a family when you can. Mothers who help families pray and play together will stay together and will bless children’s lives forever.

9.      Teach Your Children. Catch the teaching moments. This can be done anytime during the day—at mealtime, in casual settings, or at special sit-down times together, at the foot of the bed at the end of the day, or during an early morning walk together. Mothers, you are your children’s best teacher. Don’t shift this precious responsibility to day-care centers or baby-sitters. A mother’s love and prayerful concern for the children are her most important ingredients in teaching her own. Teach Gospel principles, modesty, the right kind of entertainment, etc. The Church cannot teach like you can. The school cannot. The day-care center cannot. But you can, and the Lord will sustain you. Your children will remember your teachings forever, and when they are old, they will not depart from them. They will call you blessed—their truly angel mother

10.  Truly Love Your Children. A mother’s unqualified love approaches Christlike love. Work at this prayerfully. There need be no generation gap. And the key is love. Our young people need love and attention, not indulgence. They need empathy and understanding, not indifference from mothers and fathers. They need the parents’ time. A mother’s kindly teachings and her love for and confidence in a teenage son or daughter can literally save them from a wicked world.

So on those days when dinner gets burned, the house is a wreck, the birthday party I planned is not "up to par", and my kids "hate" me for not letting them have that extra scoop of ice cream...on those days, I need to remind myself, that as long as I am doing the best I can to take care of these 10 basic priorities and above all, LOVE MY KIDS to the very best of my abilities, I will be enough in my Father in Heavens eyes. The rest of the worlds opinion of me doesn't really matter.

For the full talk, go here: https://www.lds.org/ensign/1987/05/news-of-the-church/president-benson-lauds-blessings-of-motherhood?lang=eng

Love and Laws

I am one of the millions of mothers around the world who gets to hear my children exclaim, "Your mean!" I hope I am not the only one who feels a tinge of hurt and regret when I hear these word uttered from a seemingly sweet and innocent 6 year old. There are moments when I want to be my kids best friends. I want them to have it all! I would never purposely do anything to bring them unhappiness. Yet, I do. I place rules and restrictions on them. I tell them "No"...a lot! And almost every time, I feel guilt and wonder if I am doing any good and if enduring the whining and tantrums from my children when they dont get what they want is really going to do any good or be worth it in the end. I read a article this week given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks called "Love and Law". He is one of my favorite apostles and this talk reassured me of why. He reminded me of the following truths:

"God’s love is so perfect that He lovingly requires us to obey His commandments because He knows that only through obedience to His laws can we become perfect, as He is. For this reason, God’s anger and His wrath are not a contradiction of His love but an evidence of His love. Every parent knows that you can love a child totally and completely while still being creatively angry and disappointed at that child’s self-defeating behavior." So the feelings of regret and worry that I feel are actually a good thing! Its evidence that I love them. If I didnt care, I wouldnt feel anything. Just like our loving Heavenly Father places commandments on us to protect us, he doesnt always give us the answers we want. He gives us what we need in order to be successful in our lives and protected. He is our model for parenting. Sometimes he lets us stumble and fall, to make us stronger and force us to get back up on our own. If I always gave in to my children they would never learn how to deal with the disappointments that came in their life. They wouldnt learn about the things that are truly important and how to think of others. They wouldnt have any respect for the rules. Elder Oaks continued giving us reasons why sometimes we have to let our kids practice agency. 

"God does not intervene to forestall the consequences of some persons’ choices in order to protect the well-being of other persons—even when they kill, injure, or oppress one another— for this would destroy His plan for our eternal progress. He will bless us to endure the consequences of others’ choices, but He will not prevent those choices." Our agency is a gift. God does not control us, this would be Satans plan. We wouldnt learn from our mistakes if we were forced to follow the rules. We wouldnt be able to experience success from overcoming our failures. We ahve to allow our kids the chance to learn and progress from their own experiences. Elder oaks continues: 

"Where do parents draw the line? That is a matter for parental wisdom, guided by the inspiration of the Lord. There is no area of parental action that is more needful of heavenly guidance or more likely to receive it than the decisions of parents in raising their children and governing their families. This is the work of eternity." We are so blessed to have a perfect example of parenting through our Heavenly Parents. Just like our earthly father, our Heavenly Father wants to teach, guide, help, support, advise us. He is waiting to answer us and bless us. He wants to see us succeed. Its a great feeling when my kids finally understand something...when they finally get how to tie their shoe, or write their name after struggling to do so. When even though it hurts, they understand why hitting or saying mean words to someone is wrong because they have experienced it themselves. When they learn on their own, with maybe just a little guidance, and a lot of patience. 

For a link to the entire talk go here: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/love-and-law?lang=eng