Hope for better

Moment of truth time. When my husband and I got married, we both agreed that we did not want to use spanking as a form of punishment for our future kids. However, while it has not been a regular occurrence, there has been times I have lost my patience and swatted at my children's behinds. No, I have not taken them over my knee or even hit their bottom over and over, but I have spanked. In efforts to not break our deal of spanking any more than I had to, I have also reached points where I have been so angry that I back my kids into a corner and scream at them. I am not proud of these times, and I always feel a strong sense of guilt overcome me right after I have done this. I cant recall a time when my husband has ever spanked, but we have both raised our voice on several occasions. As a stay at home mom, I have spent more time with my kids than my husband has, so naturally I have had more instances of losing my temper. It ends with guilt, tears, and hurt every time and for all involved.

In my studies this week, I came across a quote from Brigham Young, the second president and prophet of the church of Jesus Christ in these latter-days. It said "I have seen more parents who were unable to control themselves than I ever saw who were unable to control their children." This is such a true story. It is easy to lose control of my temper and all rational forms of thinking when my kids push all the wrong buttons like talking back, ignoring my requests, or constantly fighting with one another. As the parent though, I need to stay in control so I can handle the situation appropriately. Acting in anger sends the message that I don't care and creates fear in my kids. I have seen this look of fear a couple of times and it is the worst.

Part of authoritative parenting is providing reasonable expectations for our children while enforcing firm, direct and consistent responses to their behavior. As I learn more and more about parenting through my college studies, I tend to feel inadequate for the task of all it takes to be the "perfect parent." I feel guilty for all the things I have done wrong over the years and fear that my kids will be facing psychological consequences for all my mistakes. But something else I read this week gave me some hope. Developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind, explained that there is such a thing as "good enough" parenting. This applies to parents who apply most of the principles of authoritative parenting. Baumrind states:

 "Good enough, ordinary parents probably have the same effects on their children's development as culturally defined super parents."

While we may not be perfect, as long as most of the elements of good parenting are there, especially warmth and love, our kids will be okay. Something else that always comes to mind when I lose my patience with my kids, is a scripture that says "Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;" (D&C 121:43). My husband is really great at this. He always goes in to talk to my kids after he has lost his temper with them or had to apply strict discipline. He always apologizes to them for losing his temper, and makes sure they know he loves them. I am trying to follow his example in this.

Another parenting strategy that we agreed on before marriage was using time out. We both took a child development class in college right after we got married. We learned early about the principle of putting children in time out for 1 minute per year of age. Over the years I have also learned how to talk to, or not talk to our children while in time out (Watching "Super Nanny" might have helped, not gonna lie). I learned it is best to not talk to them while they are in time out, but to wait until their time is up. Then we go in, get down to their level and explain to them in a calm manner why they needed a time out. This strategy has worked pretty well for me over the years, and definitely better than spanking or yelling. But, I have also learned that sometimes I need a time out as well. If I find myself losing control with anger and frustration, I will send both me and my child to our separate rooms to cool down. Once I have relaxed a bit and given myself time to think it through, I am able to come up with much more appropriate consequences for my kids behavior. I can then go into their room and have a rational and controlled conversation with them that about their behavior and show forth that increase of love at the same time.

I am painfully aware that my kids watch my behavior and adopt my actions. They deal with frustrations in the same way they have seen me deal with them. If they scream at each other, I know they probably picked that up from me. I am not perfect by any means, and I feel that most amazing mothers are hard on themselves when it comes to trying to fit in the perfect mothering mold. We try to do it all and this is partly what creates frustration and a lack of patience with our kids. However, they also notice the good things we do and will hopefully adopt those actions as well and forgive us for our faults. I came across this short video a while ago, and related to it so much. It's about 9 minutes long, but has a powerful message in the the end. We never know how much good we do as parents, especially as we serve and love them. We don't have to be perfect, we just have to try our best and let our kids know we care.