'Taylor'ed parenting

As a mother of 5, it never ceases to amaze me how different each of my kids are. You would think that children who share the same biology and environment would be more similar to each other, but in most instances that is not the case. Sure they have similarities, especially in their physical appearance, but their personalities are uniquely theirs. Let me explain what I mean with my own children as examples.

My firstborn has always been ahead of developmental curves. By the time she was one year old, she had ten teeth, was walking like a pro and had a decent vocabulary. This trend continued into her school years as she surpassed educational benchmarks like becoming an excellent reader far above grade level. She was always good at making friends. I would not be surprised to find her introducing herself to a new girl at the playground and describing her as her "new best friend" by the time we left. This openness applied to many areas of her life. She has never been afraid share or defend her beliefs. One day she came home from middle school and told me how when she was running outside around the track for gym, and a girl made a disrespectful remark full of swear words to her. She asked her to please stop

swearing and it escalated into a little argument. The teacher had to intervene and take the other girl to the office. I found out this girl was not one that most people dare mess with. She towered over my skinny little 75 pound, 12 year old daughter and frequently got into fights, but this didn't deter my daughter from standing up for her values (although it scared me to death). My daughter is in high school now and has continued to show a commitment to good grades, motivation to do her best, and courage to stand up for herself. She is responsible and self-driven.

My second daughter is more on the reserved side. She was described as ultra shy as a child and was happy having just one best friend. It was rare that you would see her without a baby doll in her hands, focusing all her attention on it as if it were alive. During her preschool graduation, all the kids took turns saying what they wanted to be when they grew up. Awww's filled the audience when it was my daughters turn, and she said in her soft little voice "I want to be a mom when I grow up." This love for babies has never ceased. As a big sister, she was crazy about her baby siblings and tried to mother them as much as I did. She is nurturing, gentle, and kind. Now that she is babysitting age, she often remarks that she should be the one paying the parents to babysit their kids because she loves it so much. She also does well in school, but it is with a totally different motivation than my oldest, with the idea that someday she will need to go to college to find a husband to marry so she can have cute kids. She is not as active or driven, and enjoys just relaxing and taking naps, something my oldest rarely does.

Daughter number three provides the comedic relief in the family. She thinks of the funniest and most random things to say and do. The catch is that she is also very self-conscious and anxious about a lot of things. Maybe its insecurity about being the middle child. When she was little she had to be the

first one to do anything or we would all be subject to the wrath of her 3 year old tantrum. She had to be the first one down the stairs in the morning, and to be greeted by her name with a "good morning." If we called her anything like "sweetie" or "princess," she would correct us and say "I'm not sweetie!" and remind us of her name. She is a huge perfectionist and very hard on herself. She still expects to be number one in all she does. Again, this drive is good for grades, but stressful in other situations. This daughter reminds me of the phrase "live, laugh, love" because she lives to the fullest and to be her best, she makes everyone laugh at her fun personality, and she loves and needs to be loved in a real way to feel she is important. She is very independent, but needs to know she is noticed and appreciated. She is probably the most sensitive and aware of the feelings and needs of others out of all my kids. Be her friend, and you will have a friend for life.

My fourth child finally brought a boy to the mix, and that in itself can bring some unique experiences and behaviors. He started out very curious about life and wanting to get into everything. This drove his desire to walk early, talk less, and get into a bit more trouble than his sisters. He ate dirt, climbed on top of the fridge and escaped out the back door in the morning before I was awake. He took child proofing to a whole new level. He was very easy going and fun to be around. As he has grown, he has become very sensitive. He is the most loving and kind boy and still loves to cuddle with me at almost 10 years old. He gets along well with his sisters and is often the willing victim of their teasing and chasing. He also gets frustrated easily and struggles a bit more in school. He is not as motivated, and is a little timid about making new friends, especially with boys who are super active and risk taking. Maybe his sisters made him soft, but he does not like rough and tumble, super athletic and physical activities. He continues to be curious by observing, thinking, and tinkering with things around him. He wants to be an inventor when he grows up.

Finally, we have the baby of the family; child number 5. She was my non-sleeper, cant deny that face, Momma's girl. She takes shy to a whole new level to a point where most people wonder if she even has a voice. She is all girl, obsessed with glitter, dolphins, art work, crafts, makeup, clothing, jewelry, barbies, princesses, and all things Paris. Don't let her fool you though, she is tough as well. Being only 1 year apart from her brother, she holds her own. She is very opinionated and although quiet at school, she will come home and let out all her frustrations about the kids that did her wrong at recess or on the bus. She holds a grudge and is as sassy as can be. She is artsy and loves to bake. School has always been a challenge because of her shyness and her desire to draw on everything which distracts her from the actual assignment. She hates getting in trouble and tries to please everyone.

So by now you may be asking, "why is she telling us all this stuff?" Well, It makes sense to me that the unique traits that all kids possess must come from a pre-existent personality. While genetics, environment, and experiences all come into play in the big picture of who we are, we were born with a spiritual personality that comes from our Father in Heaven. I believe that we are children of God and we possess traits that were given by Him before we were even born. As parents, it is our job to teach, guide and love our children in a way that helps to enhance those natural strengths and which will help them eventually reach their eternal identity and purpose. Since every child is different, this can be tricky. While one child might require more outward expressions of love and validation, another is perfectly content without as much. One child is very sensitive to correction while another needs a more firm approach to respond. One needs more supervision and guidance, while another is more self-sufficient.

No matter what kind of variation we use in parenting each child, we have to make sure of a few constant practices. As a major in marriage and family, I have learned in almost every class about the benefits of authoritative parenting. This style of parenting includes the following: 

•   Love, warmth, and support. 
•  Clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior.
• Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise.
• Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments.
• Opportunities to perform competently and make choices.
• The absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline (harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming, guilt).
• Model behavior with self-control, positive values and attitudes.

Research has shown that the authoritative style of parenting leads to children who are better adjusted in school, less aggressive and delinquent, more friendly and accepted by peers, more communicative, self-motivated, academically inclined and law abiding. Whatever traits, personality and behaviors our kids possess, we as parents can support them by helping them "overcome weaknesses and building upon natural strengths in ways that enhance their 'premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose'" (Hawkins, 2012). Differences make us all unique and should be celebrated. I need to keep this perspective in mind as a parent as I try not to squash my kids identity, but to allow it to bloom and flourish.